The urban legend of the LandLords, the LandWorms and the BlackCats Coriolistic Anachronisms - A Vancouver Blog

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Mar 22
   Vintage! This is a random post. The year was 2008...

Cuisine Savoyarde is among my favorite on Earth. Rich, thick, tasteful, cheese-based, it makes for perfect meals at the end of a long mountain climbing day. To really enjoy it, you must be exhausted, happy and sore. You should still be wearing your mountain boots and a fleece, and you might even be a little stone from breathing so much fresh air.

So I was recently lost in utopia, contemplating an attempt at gratin dauphinois from Patricia Wells’ Bistro Cooking (thanks Marie) and went shopping for supplies. While at the store, as I was losing my focus and my thoughts drifted towards hazy horizons, I suddenly remembered my third favorite Savoyard dish, la tartiflette (the first and second being cheese fondue and raclette, respectively). I instantly decided to bridge the two recipes in order to come up with my own weird concoction, which I would name Vartiflette, with a V for Vince, Vancouver or Viljoen. My excitement must have reached that of Dr. Frankenstein after he drew the plans for his creature.

While similar to conventional gratin, tartiflette involves lard (a classic French ingredient, so hard to come by here), onions and a touch of white wine. Qui plus est, I vividly remember eating an amazing variation in Chamonix that incorporated chanterelles mushrooms. So I shopped some more. The creature was taking shape.

Of course, this being Vancouver, I couldn’t find creme fraiche and I had to replace it with whipping cream and lemon juice at the suggestion of my personal adviser (it was too late to go back out and buy sour cream. Duh.) Then it turned out chanterelles were out of season. I hesitated forever between skipping mushrooms altogether and trying another kind, which would no doubt be a crime since chanterelles’ taste is so particular. I ended up taking a chance on shiitake.

Here’s the recipe I put together, amalgam of 2 or 3 different templates found on the web for gratin and tartiflette. It’s a total improvisation - purists please close your eyes.

  • some amount of potatoes. I think I used about 1 or 1.5 kg, not sure they were the right kind, but pretty certain they were potatoes;
  • 1 onion; wow, now that I think of it, it must be the only ingredient I aced;
  • some lard; I used old bacon found frozen in the fridge, from the last Ice Age by the looks of it;
  • chanterelles; yeah, rub it in. I used nice shiitake instead;
  • creme fraiche; again, replaced with my own mix of whipping cream and a bit of lemon juice;
  • reblochon cheese; yup, didn’t find it on time either, so substituted with emmental;
  • a cheap bottle of white wine; come on, I was already torturing the recipe so much I wasn’t about to get a super-expensive Oyster Bay;

Ok. Here’s the deal. I started with the shiitake, frying them alone to get a sense of the taste, which ended up being all right with garlic. I put them aside and followed with the chopped onion and bacon. The French recipe said « faire suer »; the hell if I knew what that means in a kitchen, so I sweated myself instead and waited for them to look sort of cooked, but not too much. How scientific is that? Meanwhile, I had peeled the potatoes and cooked them whole, as it was suggested in my original tartiflette recipe. BIG mistake. Then I rinsed them and sliced them. Too thick.

The Moment had come. The organ started playing and echoed through the high walls of my castle. I had to use my awesome Le Creuset pot ‘cause I love it, and ‘cause that’s all I own. Half the sliced potatoes went in first, then half of the onion/bacon/mushroom mix, then the rest of the ‘tatoes, the rest of the mix, I poured the cream over all that and then added a glass of wine (another mistake, I should’ve started with the wine and then finished with the cream, not to dilute it away from the top layer.) And finally, the cheese, sliced and layered over the dish. I stuck my Vartiflette in the oven preheated at 230°C and waited... I must have waited about 45 minutes until I just couldn’t take it any more. The cheese had turned a nice color and I reminded myself that I didn’t have to wait for it to turn black like the top of my flan. Too late. I wanted to create something beautiful but that picture just looks awful!

Result: I had fun playing with my toys. But the Vartiflette didn’t live up to my hopes of glory and the creature was rather ugly. For one thing, I decided that pre-cooking the potatoes was a mistake and I should have sliced them much thinner, and left the damn thing in the oven twice as long. There wasn’t enough cream, either. And my emmental didn’t succeed at replacing reblochon. This being said, I ate the entire dish in 3 meals. That’s the pig in me.

Oink.

 

2008-03-22 11:43 • Posted in Schtroumpfissime:

2 Comments

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  • 1 - Marie says:

    « I’m still laughing. It doesn’t look terrible, it looks nice. But your cooking descriptions just crack me up!

    I think by lard you mean lardons. Lard usually refers to fat rendered from animals. Animal fat. Pig, I think? You can actually buy it in little buckets, and it’s white. Lardons are, yes, thick strips of bacon. Much yummier. Though Southern cooks swear by lard in their biscuits.

    You know Reblochon invented tartiflette in the 80’s to help sell cheese??? I googled it back in the day.

    Can’t wait to eat it with you. Oink! »

  • 2 - Vince says:

    « Well my dear, I was using the word lard with its French meaning. In a French store, you will buy « du lard ». « Lardons », since it is plural, implies lard cut into pieces, which works in this case but as a final product rather than a recipe ingredient. That’s what I understand of it, any way... ;-) »

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We now go back to current chronological entries:
Random Entry: Interlude: a Vartiflette Recipe  
 Next: Busy times | Previous: A essay on reading
Aug 7

Once upon a time, in a busy eastern shore Metropolis of a remote planet in a distant spiral galaxy, lived three very different races. Two of them, the LandLords and the LandWorms, were linked by one of nature’s most cynical symbiotic relationship: the Quest for rental housing. The third race kept to itself, rarely interfering with the outside world; they were the LandOwners.

The Lords and the Worms had always needed each other to survive and because they both provided the other race with exactly what it wanted, they had become tangled in a ballet of endless love and hate, their needs being stronger than their pride. Some had to find a roof for themselves, others were there to provide it. The possibilities were infinite.

However, individuals were slowly evolving and since with knowledge comes a critical mind, both races soon began selecting their partnerships more carefully. Some Worms now only wanted to live by the river, others only in high towers, or with all amenities included. Lords would no longer want large families, they would refuse to deal with immigrants, or seek young professionals rather than aging people.

It’s around that period that Krijke arrived from the faraway continent of Sor Argul. She was a traveling LandWorm with fire-red hair and a Peugeot cycling machine. After drifting around the planet through many magical places, she had hoped to find easy shelter in the Metropolis and it’s totally unknowingly that she fell into the trap of the Trogos.

Also known as Trogolodytes, the Trogos were a particularly vicious LandLord specie, low-browed apes with stings in their substantial tails. They had evolved from cave-dwelling primates and retained the ability to walk on two legs but they had also adapted to the tunnels and the darkness, growing their appendage and stinger as a powerful torture device.

Trogolodytes prayed on unsuspecting Worms and even though their viciousness was bottomless and their sting nasty, many of the Worms that fell under their control would give in and abandon the Quest for housing. They would just stay and exist, licking their wounds from time to time, with dreams of a better life but no real eagerness to seek it.

However when Krijke realized she had willingly stepped into a Trogo cave, it wasn’t long before she began to fight them back. It was a terrible epic battle. Thunder rolled, the sky was slashed by lightning, towers fell and many moons rose while the sun circled the planet inexorably. In trouble, she sought an alliance with the mighty BlackCat race which had been at war with the Lords since the beginning of time itself.

Her new allies at first pretended not to care. They were proud and had her jump through many loops (Cats were once adored on that planet and treated like gods, and they have never forgotten it) but their power was real and by walking under enough ladders, they eventually began to turn the tide.

The Trogolodytes put up one last heroic fight, invoking the sacred YouLeasedItYourScrewed document ratified in earlier days, « One Lease To Rule Them All, And In The Darkness Bind Them ». Then suddenly they broke down. Their anger turned elsewhere, stingers aimed at easier prays and they released Krijke from their control. The LandOwners turned slowly in their hammocks, yawned and whispered with pale eerie voices: « Come and join usssss… »

But freedom was calling and Krijke roamed to another shelter, making sure the new Lords would be of a better nature. She has lived there happily ever since. It is said that the mighty BlackCats still visit her on a daily basis, patrolling her environment while pretending to care about nothing but milk or a treat.

The next time you see a BlackCat giving you the « Talk to the paw » attitude, remember the great battle with the Trogolodytes and treat the feline with respect and deference. « Hello Human, » it’ll say. « Could you please scratch me behind the ears? In exchange I’ll protect you from evil Trogolodytes. There… Purrfect… »

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2007-08-07 21:58 • Posted in Always: & ICMOL:

4 Comments

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  • 1 - Vince says:

    « All right, not too sure exactly what happened to me there... I must’ve had a fever. But as Gaby and I were discussing recently, it’s always interesting to pick a subject and write about it on command, as an assignment. It’s hard and it’s humbling. But hey, blogs are supposed to me a place where anything goes. Besides, my ego died a long time ago... ;-)

    So my thanks to Marie for providing me with the idea and my apologies for stealing it and goofing shamelessly with it. »

  • 2 - NewYorkangel says:

    « ....Well..Je le pensais déjà, mais là, tu viens de le confirmer...
    You know what?? Tu es dinnnngue...!!!
    Mais drôle, alors ça rattrape!
    :-) »

  • 3 - Marie says:

    « !!!!!!!

    Well, Vince, I’ve been scrambling around clothesless on my terrace in pounding grey rain trying to avert s flood, and now I’m sitting here shaking with laughter, which started ten minutes ago. I blame you!

    Madness is very, very underrated. Thank you!

    xx

    :-) :-) »

  • 4 - Vince says:

    « Thank you both, glad to get confirmation that I’m crazy - now I can move on to a new level... ;-)

    Angel: welcome back! When are you headed north?

    Marie: you can blame me all you want, the floods were actually caused by the Lords battling the Worms somewhere in Brooklyn. Ask Estorbo! :-) »

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