It’s official. Having received unconditional support from my readers today (all three of you, thank you), I have decided to come forward and run. I want my entry into the political race to be a memorable event and I am confident you will all support me through to the finish line. I promise not to pace myself and will win this with hard work, honest sweat and a few energy bars. Here are, hence, my single-day campaign and a one-on-oneself debate while I run for Prime President of Canada as head of the New Maniac Party.

Dear fellow Canadians,

Together, we shall turn green.

On this day of National Elections and while ballots are still going into the urns, I urge you, as a nation and a responsible people, to urgently reject other candidates and previous votes accumulated today, and to elect me, Vincent Mounier, as Canada’s new Prime Minister. While my arguments will be powerful and my policies irresistible, should you find yourself wondering "Why must I vote for you?", I will first give you the short answer: because I, too, would do it for you.

Not convinced yet? Consider this: I have a bald head like Peter Garrett. I own a Canon Camera. My First Lady will be the prettiest and smartest ever to throne. I hate ticks and pigeons but love all other animals. It was my idea not yours. All of which are undeniable qualities for the above mentioned title. Furthermore, I can solemnly promise you, here and now, that I will never lie*, cheat or deceive you, and that I was rated by a local survey as the best candidate among those living on Harwood Street in Vancouver on an east facing 15th floor carpeted apartment, to run for such office.

Now that I have convinced you, let’s get down to business. The NMP party is the ultimate cure to our country’s (and the whole world’s, for that matter) existential crisis. I single-handedly will fix our environmental, economic and cultural issues. (By cultural issues, I am mostly referring to a national weakness towards Celine Dion, who must be silenced not only because of her obvious relation to my Liberal opponent but mostly to prevent additional rainy days in British Columbia.)

To achieve this, I have already drafted 156 laws that will become effective as soon as you eh-lect me tonight. Do not fear, laws are the skeleton of a country, they sharpen its justice system like a sword-maker his blade. Here is a non-exhaustive list of my pledges to you, Canadians and Canadians (this speech was written in French, the use of masculine and feminine being lost in our translation for the English-speaking minority):

  • Anti-Tick-and-Pigeon Bill Number 13b: this project will outlaw pigeon and tick presence in public spaces, just like it was so successfully done with smoking. We will open a trade agreement with Italy and Vermont, shipping our surplus of the former to Venice and the latter to the Appalachians.
  • Grouper, Wild Salmon, Killer Whale and Nudibranch Protection Act: This is just the right thing to do and take the word of someone who’s actually hugged a grouper, we will get plenty of affection and good vibes in return. (N.B. The nudibranch population hasn’t been reported as endangered yet but they are just too cute to resist and they might sell very well as an aphrodisiac to the Japanese, if we control the market.)
  • Broccoli Incentive and Tax Adjustment 348.48: by lowering taxes for families of 4 and over who grow their own broccoli, we hope to convince most of the population to eat well and disregard rumours that the wonderful vegetable causes chronic shutter trigger, a rare photographer disease. This will obviously scratch two itches with the same nail and contribute to our relief efforts towards the on-going US Liberal invasion.
  • Motor Vehicle Regulations Amendment, 2008c: SUV’s, trucks, planes, sports cars, gas lawn mowers and barbecues on wheels become the object of a special exponential tax. The more you use them, the harder you get nailed. Don’t think it’s unfair, I will be hit as hard as everyone else. I cut my grass at least twice a week, and I like to cut it under my opponent’s feet every other day. The tax money will be used for special research projects. While I am not at liberty to discuss the specifics, I can tell you that they will involve the application of quantum physics to Friday Night Pottery Classes, as well as an attempt to have the Bottlenose Dolphin genus and species changed from Tursiops troncatus to Molson inebriatus. We got a sponsor.

And the list goes on. But make no mistake about it, we are green. Our traffic laws will turn you green. Our party golf tournaments will aim for the green. Please send our headquarters a check for the amount of $CA15.95 when voting, and my staff will be delighted to send you my new eBook containing a complete list of these laws and their applications, as well as a 120-page brand new report on my favourite techniques for obtaining and retaining electors, and as a bonus, you will get, free of charge, a 10 page booklet on a secret technique to legally deduct the cost of this package from next year’s taxes.

Plus, if you vote within the next 30 minutes, you get, absolutely free, a signed copy of my soon-to-be bestseller "The power of Power, a Powerful Story of Power and How to Get, Keep and Sell It." Green hardcover. 234 pages.

Don’t wait. Vote now. Vote Vince. Before it’s too late. Let’s show the world that Canada knows a good maniac when it sees one. Avoid turning the blue tide into a red one, jump to green. Vote NMP.

Addendum – Message from the First Cat, Don Estorbo de la Bodega Verde: We’ll also rid you of dogs and send them to Asia. People can eat them there, it won’t be a waste and they can come back as baby formula. (He has a big mouth but his heart is where that mouth is. A pellet bowl.)

* Promise not to lie exclusive of, and not limited to, political white lies, signature of International Treaties, meaningfully kissing babies, next campaign headlines and official party position on the use of unapproved electronics after plane take off.