From the Winnipeg Times
In the wake of a recent exodus of American liberals causing chaos at various Canadian entry points, authorities have taken the bull by the
balls horns and hastily erected temporary refugee camps in order to contain the crisis while looking for long-term solutions. As of yesterday, most border crossings were still completely overwhelmed and extra Canada Customs Officers were being dispatched from the Yukon and the Arctic to reinforce our southern border. They will begin service as soon as they have thawed.
The camps have sparked much debate around them. "It’s extremely taxing on the local economy," said John Zhou, a British Columbia resident. "We are small communities that normally only provide for ourselves. But then again we can’t let the poor boogers be sent back to face the Ku Klux Klan." The Canadian government has been asking border area populations to be supportive but firm. "If you see liberals crossing your broccoli field," the Prime Minister declared in a CBC interview Monday, "there is reason enough to believe they’re after your food and you are allowed to shoot them. On the other hand, let’s show some good old Canadian mercy and offer them free passage across our lands if they agree to go blindfolded." Some farmers are infuriated by the leader’s stance. "The man is just weak, he wants to please everybody," one said angrily. "He would like those liberals unharmed in case they can be exchanged within the scope of our so-called free-trade agreement. But the PM is obviously unaware of the damage a blind liberal can do to a crop."
Local municipalities are taking these matters very seriously and advising residents to avoid broccoli fields after sunset. Passwords have been issued to all Canadian citizens for quick verbal identification after dark. They will be renewed weekly during a secret TV broadcast said to air right before Hockey Night. "We had to find a deeply rooted, all-Canadian value that only our population would recognize," an official said about the password broadcast. "We wouldn’t want those liberals to tap in. But with Hockey Night, our secrecy is assured. I don’t think they even know how to play, let alone understand the TV guide." Ironically, 2 hours after the first password was issued last week, it was cracked by a 12 year old liberal’s kid who posted it on his Facebook page with the comment "What’s a Gretzky?"
Within a few days of opening, all refugee camps were experiencing food shortages. "Each liberal eats like two of us," said a cook. "We’re already out of free-range chicken, soy milk, flax seeds, wheat grass and most organic farm-grown veggies." "They ask the strangest questions," commented another man. "Like, this bloke wanted to know if we add hormones to our chickens after packaging them. How silly would that be, eh."
But public support is rising and innovative solutions are being put forward. Near Toronto, refugee camps have begun serving Maple Leaf meat products to the liberals. "There’s no shortage of that meat, these days," a volunteering mother laughed, "and as far as we know, it only kills Canadians. Besides, those liberals are illegal immigrants, they can’t be too picky." In Vancouver, a firm is importing milk products from China at very low costs in order to supply the camps. "Milk is milk," said the CEO of Radical Imports Inc., "and where it comes from should not matter to someone who is willing to leave a home country behind for mere political reasons. We do, however, recommend that liberals arriving with babies stick to breast feeding and boil their ideals for 3 minutes."
With this flurry of activity at our borders, it’s easy to forget that real evil is driving the refugees out of their homes. Yet the Canadian Government announced last night that it will remain neutral not to offend either party. "We are acting a little like the Swiss here," PM Harper said at the press conference. "Everybody is treated equally. An illegal border crossing can be quite messy, so we’ll clean them up and keep them organized and sedated. As a matter of fact, cuckoo clocks have been installed at major border crossings to help speed up the process. But if the conservatives come charging after the fugitives, we’ll treat them just as humanly and fairly. After all, they are in charge."
The editor in chief of controversial activist newspaper The Sunday Pun, Langelot Laframboise, wrote in Friday’s editorial: "In these troubled times, every Canadian is aware of the menacing evil empire lurking south of us. A vicious Sith Lord has been in control there far too long and the new threat of another one rising to power is a sickening thought. Liberals are driven away from their hometowns like rats out of a sinking ship. It’s time for a Jedi Knight to reign, one who will provide rafts to the rats. For now, I can only approve of the poor bastards’ escape." It might not be politically correct but it nails the issue on the head. For most Canadians, living on the Outer Rims normally means an occasional exposure to American drama. This time, however, the drama has crossed our borders along with the fleeing liberals. If nobody controls the situation south of us, we can kiss our broccoli good bye.